Prepare to be yourself...
In a moment of reflection while sitting alone in my tiny house loft, feeling sorry for myself for various reasons, my eyes landed on the framed copy of an article I wrote for my journalism class and campus newspaper in 2015. My assignment was to report on a community outreach with the local Girls Inc. of Wayne County. With a focus on the perception of beauty in various cultures, this program was conducted by women professors from my campus. The girls were allowed to dress in clothing from various cultures while also creating crafts and discussing the concepts of beauty throughout history. These activities were incorporated into discussions of how the girls perceived beauty--how they viewed themselves and the women around them.
While interviewing the program organizers, one of my questions was, “what do you most hope the girls will remember from this program?” As soon as I heard the answer, I knew it was the title for my article. “I am me and I am beautiful!” That phrase arrested my attention while sitting in my self-pity. There is so much depth in it. If every girl who ever lives could just have that one phrase indelibly imprinted into her self-concept, oh how differently she would live. When writing my article, I also knew that I had to use a quote from Maya Angelou as a subtitle once I had decided on the title.
I am me and I am beautiful
”A woman in harmony with her spirit is like a river flowing. She goes where she will without pretense and arrives at her destination prepared to be herself and only herself.” -Maya Angelou
When writing this article back in 2015, I was not necessarily considering myself as one needing to hear it, but while sitting in my moment of reflection, I began to ask myself what this means for me and do I believe it. Can I say this to myself and believe it? Though we all have things we don’t like about our appearance, and we need to be much kinder to ourselves in that regard, it’s not the outward appearance of beauty I was reflecting upon. I was reflecting on my character, who I am, the person I know myself to be.
Some folks have heard about my experience from a couple of years ago, when a person who called herself a “friend” lashed out at me and targeted what I consider the very core of who I am...my faith, which is the one guiding beacon of my existence, the anchor of my soul. It was this experience I was reflecting on, while having a moment of grief and self-pity. To give context, I will share a bit about this experience.
The fear-filled voices that have taunted me over the years usually lurked inside the dark shadows of my own head; however, this voice from a “friend” was filled with what I later realized was her own fear, driving the hateful insults, false perceptions, false accusations, and one strategically and intentionally chosen word that would slice through me with surgical precision. “You speak platitudes.” A word used very intentionally to demean my faith, my message of and belief in hope, my message of love and kindness, and my voice to encourage others and speak my truth. Fear is accustomed to me listening while it taunts me and would like for me to believe my words are dull, meaningless, powerless, and nothing new or effective. Fear knows that words are powerful containers that can move me, or more accurately, that can paralyze me. Fear tried to waltz in on the articulate tongue of a respected friend to silence my voice of faith and encouragement. If I would believe that my words are meaningless and dull, then maybe I would retreat into that familiar shell and listen to the dark, hissing echoes from my past that have so frequently said, “you are nobody!” “No one wants to hear what you have to say!” “You are so small and insignificant; nothing you say could possibly have any value or impact on anyone else!” “Who do
you think you are?”
Ironically, a person who had once encouraged me, who said that I have a powerful voice, was now telling me that my voice speaks meaningless, insignificant words. Fear knew that my respect and admiration for my friend would be the very thing that could cause her voice to deliver a devastating blow to me. It has certainly been the most hurtful encounter I have ever experienced coming from someone I highly respected and valued. It took the wind out of my sails for far longer than I should have allowed. This friendship became an immediate shipwreck, sunken with hurt and heartbreak, and only memories of something once beautiful. The cycle of grief tries to pop up in various forms on a regular basis, and that’s where this reflection began…with me feeling sorry for myself and questioning whether I make any real difference in the world around me.
From the morning I sat alone in my loft, reflecting on this concept of my character and the notion that “I am me and I am beautiful,” asking myself who I believe I am… there have been a variety of messages come to me from many unexpected sources. Out of the blue, people have contacted me to thank me for being a loving and caring person and to tell me how much my words and actions have meant to them at a particularly difficult time in their lives. These messages have been such a blessing and so healing to my soul. I love how God will use simple and subtle messages to speak to us, to encourage us, to wrap His love into the comforting words of others. This is especially meaningful to me because words are extremely meaningful to me. The destructive words of one person were directed very intentionally at my character, yet at random times lately, multiple people have reached out to me with words that completely counter those destructive words. I am so grateful for my faith. It has sustained me through so much over the course of my life and continues to do so.
Through this very hurtful experience, I have learned much about forgiveness and healing. and continue to have opportunities to “be the change” that I wish to see in the world. I have come to a place where I can sincerely pray for the person who lashed out at me. It’s also amazing the things that have come my way lately to confirm what happened in that situation. Oddly, a quote resurfaced in my email recently. It was an email this same friend shared with me over two years prior to our shipwreck, and it was like reading a cryptic message from the past that would explain to me what went wrong. Even more interesting was the subject line, which read...."Don't exactly know why I'm sending you this..." The email contained several quotes from a PBS special called From Beyond Our Differences. The following is one quote in particular which was very revealing.
“Sometimes you get so angry at the injustice that you start becoming what you are fighting. That's when you need your faith. You've got to have something that's deeper than your issue or your cause or your career or your enemy, that you come back to.” -Van Jones, Esquire, Human Rights Champion
This quote provided the final answer I needed. It confirmed that I did not deserve the way she lashed out at me. The problem was her own fear, rage, and anger at things outside of her control. In her quest for answers, sadly, she chose to become what it was that she was fighting. Injustice! She succumbed to using angry words and demeaning accusations as a way of righting some wrong that she perceived to be caused by people of my faith. Her actions were exactly those of the same injustice she was fighting against.
I hope this blog post wasn't terribly random and disconnected for my readers. It was intended to be an example of standing in the face of opposition, hurt, grief, and pain to say, you can do what the scripture in Isaiah 50:7 describes. You can set your face like stone and be determined to do God's will regardless of what others may say or think about you. You can be you, and that is the most beautiful person you can be. Simply prepare to be yourself and that is the most amazing person you could possibly be.
If you stayed to the end of this, God Bless You! I hope you will be encouraged and appreciate who you are. I hope you can say of yourself, “I am me, and I am beautiful!” I hope you can recognize fear, shame, and blame when it comes, even if it is in a voice you respect and admire. I hope you can let go of unhealthy relationships, forgive people who hurt you, and realize that hurting people, hurt people. I hope you can love yourself and appreciate the voice that God has given you and believe that you can have a beautiful impact on the world around you. Your journey is not over.
