My journey of forgiveness

Merriam Webster defines a journey as travel or passage from one place to another. This seems to be an appropriate word because there is most certainly a journey in the act of forgiveness—in the process of passing from one place to another. It may sometimes take a very long time to make that passage. I am working on an 18-month journey at the time of this writing. To be completely, humanly, transparent, I must admit that there are days I think I have mastered this process…and then a memory creeps in…a photo comes up in a Facebook memory…a mutual friend shares something on social media…and there it is, all fresh and painful again. It’s my reminder that I still have work to do on my passage from that place of pain. These “feelings” will try to stop your passage from one place to another—from the place of hurt, pain, disappointment, anger, and you fill in the word that fits your situation—to arriving at the destination of forgiveness. We may be tempted to pitch our tent and set up camp, where we sit around the campfire and rehearse the terrible thing or situation that has caused us such great distress. In thinking of a journey, I am reminded there will likely arise roadblocks, detours, and setbacks, much like the process of forgiveness and progressing past emotions and memories. Don't camp there. Keep moving!

On the road of life we all travel, it is inevitable that we will experience relationships that bring us pain. People we love, trust, admire and respect will let us down, hurt us, and leave us with gaping wounds in need of repair. Unfortunately this may happen physically as well as emotionally. Though the situation I am dealing with is an emotional wound, the scars are very real, unseen by the naked eye, but no less deep and painful. The emotions of grief over a lost friendship have paid repeat visits to me in the past 18 months. A person I considered a very dear friend, suddenly and abruptly stripped off her mask to reveal a stranger I did not recognize. There really are no words to describe this situation. I have never experienced anything so emotionally devastating in my entire life. Hateful and hurtful words tried to waltz in on the articulate tongue of a respected friend, a trusted confidant who turned on me like a rabid animal, projecting her hate and rage onto me. I was overcome with the fight or flight response. Am I proud of my reaction and retaliation? No. Would I do things differently if I could? Maybe. Hopefully. Regardless of how I reacted, her behavior was unacceptable and I was not going to tolerate abusive blaming and shaming, which I did not deserve. When I am guilty of wrongdoing, I take responsibility for my behavior and own it, and I apologize when I am wrong. When I am not guilty of wrongdoing, I will not allow anyone to pile it on me. Maybe it’s my Texas roots, but I know when to say “that’s enough!” and stand my ground.

In spite of my “enough is enough” stance, this situation has marked me so deeply that I saw myself retreating into a shell and becoming hesitant to embark on anything more than surface relationships with people. A thick layer of self-preservation shrouded me for many months. I know I can’t go through life being skeptical and distrustful of people, but I think it is normal to avoid being vulnerable after having our hearts wounded and broken. Allowing my heart to be open, genuine, and vulnerable had come to resemble what I imagine it would feel like to be naked in public. Very uncomfortable!

This brings me to the place I started; the journey of forgiveness. Moving from one place to another. I realize that I can’t allow one person or one situation, no matter how painful, to derail the person I am. If me, being authentically who I am, does not fit what someone else wants me to be....well, I just can’t change who I am to please someone else. I spent the majority of my life being a "people-pleaser" and I'm done with that. If I change who I am to please someone else, I would not be loyal and true to myself. So, back to the journey...I have to figure out how to continue to walk out this journey of forgiveness, continue to move through the pain, move forward, and not lose myself in the process. There are things that help me every day to continue putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving through. (The keyword is "through." The only way out is through.) Participating in a recent professional development meeting was one of those "things that help," as I mentioned above. Using a Strengths Finder 2.0 exercise with my work team, though I already knew my top strengths, I saw my #1 strength of Harmony in a new light. As part of the follow-up exercise and reflection, I wrote a personal goal which embodies who I am and who I will endeavor to continue being, in both my personal and professional life.

I will continue seeking to make a difference with my gifts and talents.

I will continue to use the strengths that make me special and unique.

I will continue to develop where I am weak.

I will seek to partner with those who have strengths I do not have.

The tenants of my faith were tested in the situation with my former friend. When faced with a challenge that required acting according with what I believe about love and forgiveness, I would not give myself a passing grade. Hence, I have come to spend more time reading and meditating on the Bible passage of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. In paraphrase, if I am going to demonstrate Godly love, then I need to have patience with imperfect people (and since there are no perfect people, this applies to everyone.) I am going to have to be kind and actively do good. I am going to have to refrain from being envious. I am going to have to avoid being selfish. I am going to have to work on not allowing myself to be provoked and irritated but remain graceful under pressure. (Holy smokes! That’s a tall order.) The biggest hurdle I have faced in this journey is taking no account of being done wrong and not holding onto resentment. As the passage reads, "Love bears all things, defending and holding other people up. Love believes the best of others, credits them with good intentions and is not suspicious. Love hopes all things, never giving up on people. Love endures all things, persevering and remaining loyal to the end. Love never fails." If I can only master this one passage of the Bible in my lifetime, I will be able to confidently say I ran my race well.

Now, let me be clear to also say, I do not believe this means that we have to stay in an abusive situation or relationship. I do not believe that it is selfish to take care of ourselves and remove ourselves from harmful environments. I am not advocating for staying in situations that are harmful and threatening. In situations where you are not valued and not appreciated, I wholeheartedly recommend getting out, whether it be a job, a relationship, or any situation in which you are repeatedly subjected to unhealthy circumstances. Getting out may be necessary in order to be loving and kind to yourself. There are a multitude of scenarios I could list here, but in the end, only you can decide what is best for your well-being, your wholeness, your health and peace of mind.

My hope in writing this was, for one thing, therapeutic for myself…but hopefully encouraging to anyone reading, as well. In summary, let love be your ultimate guide. If someone wants to lash out at you, recognize that they may have some deep-rooted issues causing them to behave this way and you are not the problem. Hurting people, hurt people. This is one of the truest statements I have ever read. Focus on the positives. You are capable, you have strength beyond your understanding, you are enough. If someone you love and care about does not stick around and treat you with respect and kindness, treat yourself with respect and kindness. You deserve love, compassion, understanding, gentleness, and empathy. Be this to yourself and be this to others as often as possible. Don’t allow bitterness, anger, disappointment, fear, sorrow, or any other negative feeling or emotion to dictate how you live your best, authentic life. Let love be your partner on the journey to forgiveness. I am reminding myself of this on the daily, and I promise, it makes a difference.